The elusive Joe and the three idiots
Here’s the story of business in a nutshell. How all the functions in an organization work as a seamless whole attracting those elusive customers. A sneak peek into the hallowed world of marketing, customer acquisition and all that sort of stuff!
The cast of characters:
Joe: Potential customer
Lord: The CEO
Rob:The organization coach and consultant
Baig: The Sales Guy
Steele: The Marketer
Barrow: The Finance man
Joe: (walking by, without giving a backward glance)
Rob: Hey, I can see someone there! Can the marketing guys please nab him?
Steele: (busy fiddling with the latest android device)
Rob: (fuming, turning to the Steele) Why isn’t Steele running after Joe?
Baig: Aah… that’s the problem with them, sir. They leave us to do all the leg work
Lord: I’ll handle this. (walks up to Steele) Ahem…
Steele: Hi Lord. Just have a look at this really cool Youtube video, cool ain’t it?
Lord: Oh that’s interesting… can you send the link to my daughter so that she can use it for her master’s project?
Rob: Lord… Lord…. Lord!!!
Lord: Oh, yes! Steele! Why aren’t you going after that Joe? He’s a potential customer dammit!
Steele: I’ve already spammed his inbox. I’ve got a girl outside his home holding up a placard. I can’t for the life of me figure why he isn’t walking in!
Baig: (suddenly brimming over with a passion that hasn’t found an outlet in a quarter) What you do out there doesn’t matter – at all. ok. How’s he supposed to know he’s got to walk in here. This is where the cookie crumbles!
Steele: (dripping with sarcasm veiled behind a most polite smile) Oh yeah smart ass. So what have you done about it, may I ask.
Baig: I didn’t get no money from ya, did I? What could a poor man like me do.
Rob: (with his ‘coach’ smile) Baig… have you forgotten all the sessions we had where you had taken a pledge to change the world and take ownership for your destiny?
Baig: (eyes rolling – but that’s just for the audience’s sake) Oh I did so many things Rob. I slipped leaflets under his door, and…
Steele: That’s what I (stress the I) do Baig. What did you (stress the U) do?
Baig: (stamps Steele’s foot under the table who lets out a howl) OK, I dropped my pants… sorry, price. I offered free samples of useless things. Everything I could!
Barrow: (nose up in the air, untouched by the lowly debate) That’s something we gotta discuss. Our bottomline’s dropping faster than your pants, … sorry price.
Rob: (back to the private coach smile) Barrow – hadn’t we had a chat where you swore on your mother that you’d stop acting like an accountant, and take accountability for business? What are you – you – you – doing about it? Joe’s walking by for god’s sake!
Director’s notes: Joe is actually not walking. He just pretends to walk and is in a state of suspended animation as the play progresses. If he walks, he’d be out of the stage in a few seconds and the charade will have to end. We can’t afford to have that, can we? The show must go on. So he stays right where he is and makes life miserable for everyone else.
Barrow: Oh yes sir. (Consults his books) I have tied up with a bank to offer him a loan. (closes the book) He doesn’t seem to want it.
Lord: Stop this meaningless discussion and get after him guys! Catch him now!
Baig (rushes out first) – Joe, can you tell me if you have a friend who has bought from me? I could give him a fair pittance to refer us to you. Can you please refer someone who can refer you to me?
Steele: (not far behind, and gets in step with Joe) – Joe! Have you seen the amazing video I’ve uploaded on our youtube account?! Just see it will you? If only you’d bother to see it, it could even go viral – know what I mean?
Rob: (gives Barrow a kick in the backside)
Barrow: (lumbers ahead and is already panting, coz he’s frankly not the running kinds) – Tell me if ya need money to buy us! I can give you a loan at a really ow rate! I swear you’d be indebted to me for life!
Joe: (gives a nice smile to all the three but walks by as if he can’t hear)
Rob: (appears dashed and starts referring his iPad for solutions) How’s that possible? By all accounts Joe must have come in now… ? (looks helplessly at Lord, who now totally loses it)
Lord: (hollering so loud that Joe finally runs away and out of the stage) BAIG! BARROW! STEELE! Just get him, fools!!!
Baig, Barrow and Steele also run out of the stage.
Rob: Oh Lord! For Chrisssake!